The new people in my life did not know who others saw me to be, they didn't know the role(s) within which I had cast myself, and most importantly, they didn't know how I saw myself. They knew nothing of what I saw as "me." In retrospect, I am surprised that I saw all this happening, even at 13. I knew I had the opportunity to create myself anew. I saw that I was the author.
Problem was - I could redefine myself to everyone (family excluded perhaps) but myself. I valiantly tried to reinvent myself. I stretched who I was, but I remained limited in ways that were solely self-imposed.
It strikes me today that in the past few months, I've joined several new social and business circles. Many people in these new places don't know the "me" I've been. There are ways in which this is very freeing and ways in which it is very intimidating. It makes me ask who I am, who I've been, and who I want to become.
The old joke says that you can never change in the eyes of your family. Actually, functional families do allow people to change. With a relatively functional family (not perfect, just relatively functional), members give each other the space to become something new. You are not limited forever by the fashion statements you made when you were 6 or what types of trouble you got in when you were 17, at least you don't have to be limited by those experiences. The past only limits you if you allow it.
One of my tasks for this coming week is to re-create my goals for this year. Things have happened recently that make me think I'm not playing a big enough game. It honestly makes me somewhat nauseous to set goals (for a host of reasons that we'll cover another day), so the idea of creating bigger goals than I already have makes me hugely nauseous. (And the idea of sharing them with other people as I will be doing on Wednesday afternoon makes me nearly apoplectic.)
Thirty minutes ago, lying in bed, unable to sleep, it occurred to me that where I am today is exactly where I was 27 years ago, when we moved. I had full opportunity to redefine myself and how I was seen. I was standing at the precipice of my future then and, again, now.
The difference is that when I was 13, I didn't realize that all meaningful reinvention has to occur within the context of who you already know yourself to be. (Bear with me, it's not a full paradox, just a little ironic.) When you reinvent yourself, you have to remain true to the core of your being. If you don't then the ways you stretch yourself and present yourself differently won't be authentic. So, you have to be who you already are in order to change/reinvent/transform yourself.
OK, I've just changed my mind, maybe it is a paradox...
The more you find your authentic self, the more you can be different. The more you are anchored in an appreciation of and caring about yourself, the more that you will have the safety and secure base from which to explore the world around you.
Maybe this is why the changes the 13 year old me sought to make in my public persona weren't completely effective. I couldn't have known myself well, as I was 13 and I don't think anyone knows themselves well at 13. And, I don't think I had enough time to think about where I was headed - I couldn't see the self I was trying to live into. I couldn't see the person I was here to become.
If I had known my purpose in life, if I had known myself, maybe I would have been more secure in the changes I attempted to make.
Last fall, I held a meeting with current and former clients, colleagues and friends. The task was for them to help me understand the brand of my business (which for me was also about understanding my personal brand because that led to my business brand).
I walked away from that meeting with, perhaps for the first time, a real understanding of what makes me who I am. The difficult thing was that as I began to see what people have told me about myself for years, I started to see the vision and purpose that I needed to live into. It drew me into a very different experience of myself and my world.
And, again, I am at the precipice of my future, knowing that the only real limits are the ones I have imposed upon myself, seeing that most of the people in my world are more than willing to grow with me in understanding me as well as understanding themselves, and feeling rather grateful for the people who see me as more than I see myself because that allows me space to become more fully who I am...
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